December 2009
55 posts
My New Years Resolution:
Live every week…like its shark week.
Thanks Tracy Jordan. I know what I gotta do.
Dear Kate LaBrake, (u no who u R)
I hope you’re feeling better. If you’re not, I could come over after work with a variety of soups and elixers that’ll knock ur socks off. I could also drop off movies and tuck you in.
I easily could’ve emailed this to you, but I thought devoting a tumble to you would make you feel more specialer.
Did it?
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#Anti-Aging Remedies
If I don’t cut it out with all this “smiling” and “laughing” crap, I’m going to get such bad wrinkles. And I can’t compromise my facial integrity like that. So from now on I’m restricting my mood to mellow for longevity’s sake. People will have a hard time getting used to it at first, but I’ll blink twice when I find something humorous.
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I need to dance on New Years Eve.
I haven’t felt good doing that since me and Kate’s epic Chippewa bar hop early this past summer. And I’m pretty sure that was the only time in 2009.
#”I LOVE CHIPPEWA! WHY DON’T WE COME HERE EVERY WEEKEND?!”
I just want to start ‘010 dancing is all.
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"Euphemisms" by my buds Ryan & Chase
(I bolded my personal favorites)
hang’n’bang
pounce’n’bounce
hide’n’hump
ram’n’scram
cum’n’gone
blow’n’go
rail’n’bail
hit’n’split
hump’n’jump
wreck’n’trek
sex it’n’exit
pump’n’dump
gyrate’n’migrate
maul ass’n’haul ass
...
How totally uncouth.
On TV they keep showing “The Dead Girl” starring…you guessed it: Brittany Murphy. Of all her movies, they keep showing this particular one nobody ever saw.
They’re like, Get it? Do you get it? Cuz she’s like dead and stuff? Do you gettttt it?
Idiots.
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“THERE AIN’T NO RULES IN THE PARTY MANSION! CHECK IT OUT, BITCHES!”
“Paging Dr. Faggot”
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Why
does the only other person in the world with my exact name have to be “Jena Nixon, the gymnast—gets boned by a dildo machine.” ?
“What are you talking about? You can never get the christmas spirit back....”
– My brother, the joy-murderer.
Things my dog did while I was at work today (for a...
Ripped out the entire bottom of a bag of dog food—spilling its entire contents—even though she had a full bowl of food three feet away.
Pooped on the white carpet.
Toppled the bathroom trash bin over and selected a used tampon. Then proceeded to drag it across the white carpet and tear it to shreds. Note: I recently made up a joke hypothesizing that such a thing could ever happen....
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Hahah
I just humored my inner narcissism and google image searched my full name. (with safe search turned ON) http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&source=hp&q=jena+nixon&gbv=2&aq=f&oq=&aqi=
The first three pictures that come up are great. The fourth picture is my dad. (But if you don’t have safe search on, you will just see a lot of graphic nudity. Thanks for the heads up...
Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick
but mostly I don’t bother rhyming. Like ever.
Today I decided it was long overdue to lurk on people from New Hampshire’s facebook profiles to see what’s been cookin’ the last 6 years, since high school.
Well as it turns out, they’re all still best buddies with eachother, and some of them are now married up. Married to their high school sweethearts. Fancy that! No no, I can’t begin to fancy such a thing. Not...
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Know what's weird?
Seeing a picture of an old high school bud, who is now barely recognizable (in a bad way) due to an unnecessary, straight-outta-left-field nose job. His nose was totally proportional to his face to begin with! No bump or anything!
Just say no! to unnecessary rhinoplasty.
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I just teared up at the end of a 4 minute recap of...
Must be that time of the month again.
Or I’m just that excited to begin Season 5 tonight.
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My Upbringing, or: "Accurately How I Remember it"
“The Wicker Man Woman”
If my mother lived life the way she fantasized,
every bit of furniture would be wicker. White wicker.
My parents first and only house together was a 70’s dream— well into the 80’s. Everything was a certain shade of orange, brown, creamy beige and puke green. Your essential 70’s color palette. There was wood paneling and where there...
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"Excuse me, but I must've died and gone to heaven,...
He spoke in a thick Boston-trash accent.
The Buffalo to Boston Greyhound overnight ride is a great way to find a potential date———-rapist. 10-13 hours, and you’ve got yourself a choice to make as soon as you get on. Do I sit in the back where I’m free to stretch out across three seats and not be bothered? Or do I sit elsewhere, where your risk of inhaling airborne...
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Thank you Wikihow!
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Happy
…thank you.